Every relationship is different and what works for some people might not work for you – that’s the whole point of a relationship: getting to know someone and seeing if you’re compatible.
However, if you have been finding that certain behaviours end up turning into full-blown arguments then LA-based psychologist, Anna Brosh might have the reason why.
When speaking to The Huffington Post Anna told them that couples should ban the word ‘never’ from their vocabularies:
“It’s a way of shutting your partner out while leaving them feeling hopeless. It creates a sense of finality which leaves no room for further discussion.”
So, instead of using the morbid word and having the argument escalate further, Brosh suggests altering your phrasing slightly. Rather than “you never listen to me’ change this to ‘there are times when I’m not sure you’re really listening to me’.
This is a sure-fire way to diffuse the situation and allow you to both talk things through.
Another psychologist, Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D stated in an article on Psychology Today that he urges couples to ban the use of the word ‘should’.
Apparently it ’causes a controlling, judgemental dynamic and negative energy between couples’, which we can totally understand. He went on further:
“Should-ing creates an obligation while criticising someone’s actions at the same time. It’s kind of like a one-two punch with a single word. And it can leave the other person feeling shameful.”
So, instead of making your significant other feel well, insignificant, another simple change in your phrasing will work wonders. Rather than stating ‘you should know better’ tell them ‘I would like you to consider this’. See, simply the phrasing of what you’re saying can cause or diffuse a hostile situation.
So, whether you’re in a relationship or not, consider the fact that ‘never’ and ‘should’ aren’t ever used in a positive way, so using them in a relationship can never turn out well.
Focusing on positive language can clearly make all the difference.